I am trying not to continually disappoint myself. So I’m writing this post.
I’m feeling much better now, more accomplished. I’m getting some creative writing done, homework is all caught up, and the quarter’s almost over. Tomorrow is my film club’s film screening, so I’m excited for that.
This Monday, however, was… well, lame. Even if I already know these things about myself, having it shoved in my face still irks me, and I want that to stop.
Once again, it’s been proven that (1) I am a terrible leader, and (b) I am not loud.
A course I am taking entitled ‘Creative Dramatics’ includes having to lead a few lessons with the class. Improv games, pantomime… I find these fine to play but not fun to lead.
I don’t have a commanding or remotely imposing presence. When I walk into a room… I have no way to describe it because no one really notices when I do walk into a room. So, to get some 30 college students to listen to me is hard.
Volume and leadership skills go hand-in-hand. I’m naturally quiet. Quiet voice. Quiet behavior. Quiet personality.
People confuse this with shyness. I am not shy. I can’t act and be shy. That just doesn’t work.
But to ask people to listen to what I have to say and do what I ask them to do… I don’t find it natural. I’m not a natural-born leader. And as someone who doesn’t want to do anything relating to teaching–a leadership role–this is even more difficult. I’ve tried to act like I’m a teacher, as if this were an acting role, but it doesn’t work because it’s still me.
When it comes to acting, I’m not shy because I’m technically hiding inside of a character.
And as for the volume… I’m just not loud. (Hello–I’m a introvert?)
In my second class, ‘Dramatic Literature for Children’, my group gave a presentation on a play. The class is split between a classroom on the main campus, and an extension sort of class in another town. We use a television… sort of low-tech Skype-like system so that one instructor (in this case, the one one main campus) can teach to 2 different locations at once.
Our group gathered around the teacher’s desk where there was a small microphone pad-thing. It was in the center of the group, and we were to each introduce ourselves as a sort of sound-check. We went in our small circle, and when it came to my turn, I had to introduce myself 3 times.
I was the closest to the mic and still couldn’t be heard!
Over and over again, I’m told I need to project… which I eventually do after being told to do so once or twice.
But for goodness sake, why is this still a thing? Being loud is not natural to me. I am not a big personality. I actually don’t like loud things, loud noises.
Loud people are great, though. Those are the personalities that can make things happen, get attention when they want it (unfortunately, they can also be Donald Trump).
I understand that this is something I need to continue working on. I’m slowly wondering if being louder… if being a person that can get attention and maintain it would make me a better leader-person.
I will work on, though, and I’ll do my best to keep myself upbeat about it. I kind of have to, too, since I auditioned for a play last Thursday.
Judging by how my audition went, I am confident a got a part–even a small one. However, if I somehow got a speaking role, then I need to be heard in a proscenium stage.
I believe this is the best example of what my university’s auditorium/theatre looks like, size-wise. I should be heard all the way from the spot this picture was taken from. See that person on the stage?
From that person to the spot the camera took the picture from. That’s how loud I need to be. I don’t know if I got a part–I’ll find out this week–but if I do get a part, I will learn to be powerful enough (not just ‘loud’ enough) to command this entire space.
Bottom line is… I really don’t like that people seem to make ‘being quiet’ seem like a bad thing. They take silence for weakness… quiet for fear.
No, no. My mouth may be closed, and I might not speak, but you’ve know idea of the whirlwind going on in my mind. The way I appear doesn’t define who I am or what I am like.
You’re judging me by my minimalist cover when I could be murals and bold words inside.
Thank you for your time. I’ll leave you with this.